Originally written in November of 2018
Yesterday I had something happen in my life that has a large impact, based on someone else’s highly unethical choice they made not expecting to be called on it. Now I have to decide what steps do I follow to ensure the situation is remedied and is it truly time the person is taught a permanent lesson that will have serious consequences and am I prepared to truly be responsible for bringing about those consequences in their life – is this worth enough and important enough to me to potentially bring about that chain of effects that could cause legal issues, fines, loss of job and potentially house.
Or if they right this for the short term, do I let it go, knowing that they may do other things in the future and that their ethics may be impacting people who aren’t aware – but of that I have no proof other then this one issue at this time. And if people make truly intentional unethical decisions, can any lesson truly teach them?
This moment reminded how much I’ve been wanting to write about accountability .. so this is not about the situation but about living as a human in our world trying to gain perspective and sanity.
I know that I can be difficult at times, holding myself and sometimes others to this impossible standard of accountability, remorse, acknowledgement and open mindedness. To the point people say lighten the f** up Kris, and there are times I wish I could.. unfortunately my life hasn’t allowed that to happen much. And I try always to make sure to disclose to people anything I think might impact them without hiding anything.. (some who have been near me say I say way too much to ensure everything is known.. lol – but I’d rather that then secrets..)
Over the last few years I’ve tried to find more grey in things, and not learn to hate myself for life for little things such as at 16 – when making $300 a month and supporting myself, I borrowed without asking 50 cents out of a dish of theirs from my 30 year old roommate for bus fare to see my grandmother to ask if she’d lend me $50 to eat (which she didn’t – so I couldn’t get the 50 cents back into the roommates room). I told the roommate what I’d done and she never forgave me, I had apparently violated some huge thing to her, in spite of the circumstances.
However that is what life comes down to, circumstances, the motivation behind things, and how much involvement of others that might be impacted really was required and holding yourself accountable to both the consequences that can be predicted and the ones that inevitably can’t from your choice.
In life we all make decisions, like I did with the 50 cents, we make those decisions and we know there may be consequences. It is our responsibility as humans to accept those consequences, to hold ourselves accountable for them, and to right them ASAP, and at a minimum truly apologize if someone has been harmed by our choice. However unfortunately in life, humans tend to deny, deflect, make excuses for and try to say it was for “the other persons good” – when they know it wasn’t.
If people were truly able to hold themselves accountable for their choices, our world would be a better place, unfortunately though ego gets in the way – and fear of possibly losing face. However unless you happen to have a tendency of being a true douchebag or asshole, these are things most people we know will accept apologies with offers of accountability and move on. No the relationship may never be the same, however that was a choice the person made when they made that choice.
We are not responsible for the choices of others, we are not accountable for the decisions of others even if they impact us, yes we may suffer consequences, breaches of trust – but remember it was not you who caused that – it is simply the person who made the choices. And that ego the other person has, is causing further damage by making you feel as if you did something wrong, or you did something to cause this, or “it’s not that big of a deal” – when it is.
You as a human have the right to trust that others will do the right thing, and to restrict in your life the impact of those who choose not to. Regardless of your relationship to them – parent, friend, child, distant family member, ex spouse, sibling. My brothers taught me that, in spite of their issues and Rod being a Heroin addict at one time, he held himself accountable always for his choices and their consequences. He never once tried to scapegoat it..
So folks – hold yourself accountable for your choices, if you truly have wronged someone – own it- pay the price and grow from it – even Assholes can do that part..
You – don’t lose your faith or ability to trust due to the actions of others – but do learn to call them on it and if your gut says it’s a big deal it is – don’t go down the slippery slope of “oh well.. it’s just one little thing”..
However if you’re a douchebag you truly have no morals – and not much we can do about you…. Trust me not everyone thinks your wonderful.. some just haven’t learned they can stand on their own in this world without you and to whack you with a 2×4 yet..you – you can go f** your self..
Me.. I’m just going to go back to my corner now.. swearing in my head I’m a horrible human being.. as if I was good then people would just do the right thing always.. and I took that 50 cents as a 16 year old and a few other human moments in life that I made the wrong decision.. so this must be my fault.. no Kris.. it’s not.. this one you with 100% certainty know is not
